I woke up this morning a mess. You wouldn’t have thought I’d wake up this way. The past week has been reasonably good. Time spent with Ron, a man I love with my whole heart and would love to spend the rest of my life with was good. I had worked several days on set in the week. Not everything perfect…but when is that anyways. Everything was pretty much positive. Having a few auditions and self-tapes to do. But perhaps this is the trigger. A self-tape that was requested.
The part was not one I submitted for. The part I had submitted for I did not get an audition for, but for a different part. One that I thought I could handle, but it seems to have been a trigger for my current emotion, my current headspace.
Let me explain…
The last two days I have been watching a series about bullying. It’s an amazing series and I wish everyone to take a moment and watch it. Granted, it might bring to surface somethings…but isn’t it best things to deal with things and not bury them? The series is called 13 Reasons Why.
The raw emotions that surfaced while watching this series, each episode, brought out in me…took me back to why my headspace was unrecognized until I woke up in tears this morning. And on a regular systematic reaction, I would have stayed silent and just kept it inside. But I know this is not good for either me or my partner or anyone else I must deal with daily. Keeping it to myself for all this time is why it is still with me.
This thing, it had been nagging at me for a little over a week. I needed it gone. So, I spoke up, I turned over and as Ron put his hand on my back…I spoke up with tears running down my face. I explained to him how since I was a kid, I had been bullied. I am tall and thin, my jawline very defined, my neck long, my bust nonexistent, my features very prominent.
I remember my first day at school after returning from living in Texas from the age of 8 till then. We moved there because my mom was getting remarried to my father. It obviously didn’t work out and they got a divorce for the second time. Irving Junior High School. Grades 7th & 8th. My first day…I walked into the new classroom and the teacher introduced me to the class and said to take the seat he had pointed at.
The very first thing anyone had said was not hello, not welcome, but…’ Look, she’s flat-chested, is she even a girl?’ I will never forget that day!!! It was a pivotal moment in my life and not for the good. I was taller than the other girls, and look, I am not that tall in the perspective of tall people. I am only 5’9.5 now, so I was not that tall then, almost to my full height, not average, but not overly tall. I was skinnier than the other girls. I remember being told I resembled a pencil, or if you will, a boy. I will never forget how I felt, and I have never been allowed to forget how others see me, whether it’s just a few or a majority. I tried to accept my differences; I really did. I tried to see my beauty then and I really try to see it now, but no one would allow me to love my differences then…because they were so nastily pointed out and people think it’s ok to do it now.
I recently left my marriage. Ok, so it wasn’t so recent anymore, but in the last three years. In the course of my life though, it is one of the most recent significant courses of action. After this, I put myself on a dating app or several if you will, and one of the most hurtful and degrading things I came across is men swiping right on me just to insult me. I have been told my profile was quite different than the average females’ profile. I use my words…
But some of the men were downright mean. Some of the things said was that I looked like I was a transvestite. That I should be more honest instead of hiding who I am. I didn’t just hear or rather read this once or twice, but about the same amount of times as I heard or read that I was beautiful. Which might surprise you, but it’s true. And it hurts.
Why do you think I choose men that look like they could not be mistaken about what and who they are? Why do you think I dress the way I dress? It is partially due to how I have been treated. I wear heels every day. I usually wear a dress and I do my hair and makeup not only because it makes me feel good about myself, it’s a defense mechanism. I do not wear much makeup so that you can see that I am real underneath, that if you question me…you have no mask to have to take off to see the real me.
Bullying is not just towards children, but some of the worst bullyings happen by adults to other adults. Only, they do not think they are bullying. They think what they are doing is justified in some form or fashion. Even now, I am sure some of you think how you approach people is ok…when it’s not!
The part I spoke of that I did not submit myself to, an androgynous character. Ok, I know the response I am going to get. That I am sure it was offered to me to try out for because I am a great actor and its because I can do it!
I struggle every day to wake up and love myself. My past created me today. My future to come will be from today’s experiences mixed with what I was in the past. I do not regret my past, but I do not forget it either, as its who I am. It created me. It brought me to this moment that I live in now. I am not worried about tomorrow. I am worried about this moment; I am worried about how I feel and why people find a need to hurt others. Whether or not they do it knowingly.
If I had never experienced someone questioning whether I was female or not, I probably would have been very accepting of this request for an audition, but that is not the case! I have had to deal with this all my life, and I did not go out for the part, but for that of a woman.
~ I do not care about my talent at this moment but how people see me as a female, a woman and if I can be mistaken as a man!
I am not of this world and I am not one of your new founded outspoken people that want to be something other than what they were born as! Do not misquote me or get me wrong…kudos to those that have left their skin to be something else! Brownie points to all those people that did not feel as who they are born as and have found who they are! I am who I was born as…I want to be who I am…I am not someone else. I am a girl, female, a woman! I look like a girl, a female, a woman. I have all the female parts. I act like a woman. I dress like a woman and I love like a woman.
I don’t identify as a woman; I AM A WOMAN! I do not care about politically correct …I am a woman, treat me as a woman. Stop bullying me because your mind is somewhere it should have never gone! You’re not supposed to insult people that don’t “identify” with who they are, but you do not see how you hurt those that do “identify” with who they were born as, those that you bully without knowing!
People are cruel and they do not know their reach for damage. They do not see what they do and because they do not see it, they take absolutely no responsibility for their actions. They say a person is too sensitive, but never check themselves. People do things subconsciously without care. People make choices every day that affect how someone else continues or doesn’t.
Be the change. Check yourself. What you say or do creates a ripple. Either it’s a good ripple or a bad one. Do you want to be the monsoon after the drought, or do you want to be the constant mist in the rainforest? How you behave has a lasting effect on people, whether you like it or not, whether you take notice or not. Your mark on people is permanent especially if it’s negative.