My daily haunt is a little cafe in Firenze, Italy. I come here each day that I have been in Florence, as I reside just a 10 minute walk away, and since I walk very fast its probably more like a 15minute walk. I wonder what the thoughts of these beautiful Italian people think each day when they say “Ciao” to me either every morning or afternoon. I wonder if they wonder to themselves, who is this American woman.
I wonder who this american woman is too, most the time. My ponderings are so many. Last night, I met a fellow I spoke to only for a very short time, as he was a little pig headed, but he got me thinking… Who exactly am I? I can’t answer that question yet, I haven’t found that answer and I am now beginning to wonder, will I ever have that answer or will I continue to metamorphoses into many different people dependant on the time an situation.
Things I have been before, do not necessarily hold the same weight or need today. Things I wanted to be forever, gone, with an instant decision to be better, bigger than myself, to grow to appreciate what and who I am. To love myself for me and be ok, with loving myself. I think I found the clue as to why I found it so difficult to love myself before.
There were a few that wanted me to love me, for me, because I was a good person to love, but there were and still are a few, that want me to be who I am not, and so if I loved myself, they could not change who I was, or who I was becoming. I didn’t have the go ahead to love myself, not by the people I put my world upon, trust in. That changes though and doesn’t have any bearing now, because I am always allowed to love me…so now…I will, I do.
I am a single soul on the earth, not a partner to anyone, no longer in a traditional active parenting role. I guess I am the Cappuccino and Cannoli for one. And I am ok with this…for my heart is open and I give it to whom I choose. If that isn’t returned its ok, because I am ok with me. Now, I might change my mind in a day or two on just how lonely I am and decide the whole world is upside down, but really I am here and now, and I am ok with being a Cappuccino and a Cannoli for one.
Don’t get me wrong, its not that love is not on my mind, in fact it is…for awhile now. And its magical and its ok if I am alone in it…because love doesnt happen for everyone all at once. It just means to me, that all the heartache I have been through in my life, I am ok…my heart is free to give another and I am willing to give it again, something I was unsure of before. My heart is big enough to take all the world will give or take from it. That is my power, that is my super strength…to love, unconditionally… because it is who I am, it is who I will always be, and who I always want to be!
I live for me, now, today, for this moment.