I come across a lot of people on my journey to self-discovery, and among those people, I find they have a harder time dealing with my ups and downs of my journey than I do.   They insist on what can they do for me.  What can a person do for a person that is not complaining of the trials they go through…well. Stop harping on them for one thing.

I deal with what comes on a daily basis, I have to.  If I deal with down the road, then I can not deal with what is in front of me at the moment.  I believe my journey is for a purpose.  I now believe to be alone is some sort of sick blessing God has bestowed upon me.   Sure I want the same things in life that the rest of the world wants, but I, want so much more.  I want that thing… that thing called love.

Love is a fleeting moment in time, that last forever, even when it’s gone, if you look, it’s still there. I changed my whole life for love. Because I was withering away like a dying daisy that starts to fade the moment its picked from its stem. I knew exactly what I was missing in my life, and that was total acceptance and total and complete unconditional love.  And I was missing it mostly from myself, but from the rest of the world too.

When we desire something, we start to make it the most prominent on our brains. It is totally consuming, and that is what I seek, even if it’s just from myself, it is like the air that I breathe, and reader, I cannot breathe. I’m stagnant in this search and it perplexes me why I cannot move from it.

I moved to Paris in total love.  First time I had ever been in love like this in my life. I knew my friend was married.  Some of the people I met, I told them I didn’t know till he left me but I knew shortly after I had already fallen in love with him…because men are stupid to let little truths slip where lie can be found out if you’re quick witted.  And I was. But it was too late, this man had stolen my heart, and I was happy to give it up freely.

This romance is gone, as he went back to his life and I continue whatever it is that you call mine.   But I did not leave Paris France because my journey is not over.  My self-discovery is just beginning, and maybe perhaps, I haven’t even touched on it yet. I feel better alone, but I am lonely.  It’s a different type of lonely.  What I would do to be tired on set, so tired that my eyes are closing and we still have 3 more turn arounds for the scene that seems to be going on forever. What I would do to be pounding back the jolt to stay awake for the ride home, just to shower and grab my wardrobe for the next shoot that I am about to be late for.  What I would do to be busy.

I won’t return yet though, my journey is not over. I have no idea what the hell I am doing, but what ever I am doing, I live every moment of it. I live the pain, the joy and the surreality of it.  I live it. And it’s mine to live, the way I choose.