I think we all have delusions of what we expect and what actually results…isn’t that mostly how things work out?
I could expect the world out of a certain situation and it result in absolutely nothing, nada, zip. Why is it that we have such great expections? Is it only the dreamer that does this, or is it everyone. I have these great musings on how I will find some peace in Europe, sit down and the book I am trying to pound out, will come, creatively and in such a flow I can turn it out and move on. My expections of this are far from what is reality! In fact, it is proving to be quite, not possible. All my thoughts are even more jumbled now, not having a direction in which they would like to stay. All over the road they are as if no map can pull them into the right direction.
Does everyone have these fleeting thoughts or is it just me? I seem to be in more chaos now that I am here, although, things are moving along well…still..not sure if this is the road I was supposed to take. In fact I am now more unsure of everything that is in my life right now than ever before…in fact for the first time I have absolutely no clue as to what I want, except in one area, and that area is not up for discussion. Just everything seems to be fleeting at the moment, no time for musing about musings, just living each day with no direction. And its really hard to bare, this cross is heavy and its made up of nothing but the chaos I imagine in my own mind.
And then the answers come to you, just like that, without expectation because you had given that up. I met a fellow last night at this club called the Music Inn. It is apparently a spot for a lot of artists especially out of work actors and directors. There were a tramendous air of the place. Anyways, the answer came to me in what he said, if it needs to be said, even if its dark, its part of the story, once on paper, it will no longer be my darkness, but now the readers and what they choose to do with it, is theres. I have always been afraid to share my darkness, because its bleak and ugly, its disturbing and nasty, its out there and bold in your face hurt, blame, anger, madness, but it will now be told, and shared and then it will no longer be mine. I will be free of it. And the book will continue, because it can and there is no reason now not to write how I need to write.
So great expectations? Hell yes…have them, because they always are yours to have, the answers will come and someday, those expectations too!