I say all the time that I am looking for myself…and I sit here while eating my meager meal at the hotel IBIS Amsterdam looking out the picture window in the buffet room they have for breakfast each morning…wondering, don’t I know me already? Reader I will explain…
Most people do not challenge themselves to the tasks because, “oh I could never do that” where as I always do things I truly hate, despise even. Such as eating alone, being alone, keeping quiet. These are my weakest gifts…and I know this…so why, if I do not know myself, I am constantly challenging myself.? Because I believe this to be what is needed to grow to your strongest, best self. And that I truly already know me, unconsciously, so I need to breakdown those barred doors, and keep them unlocked so that it’s something my conscious self can discover.
My goal here reader is to be ok with myself…and take true pleasure in my own existence. Appreciate the gift of life that god himself gave me, appreciate the gifts that he bestowed upon me to share with the world. To realize, not find, my purpose, as I already have one, just as you, reader, do.
That is why I constantly put myself in the situations that cause me such pain and anguish. And it truly is pain…as when I feel it, I have never felt anything worse. When the heart is lonely or breaking, there is actually physical pain, as if you wish your last breath on yourself so as to not feel it any longer.
As I write this tears stream down my face, but not for perhaps of why you think, sadness, but of realization of what I actually am already aware of, that my unconscious mind tells my heart, my soul, my deepest reaches of what to do, where to go, and just how to do it. I flew thousands of miles away from home to put in place a specific challenge for myself, because I knew, unconsciously I suppose, that at home, this challenge would be interrupted, not completed.
I have no choice but to be alone here, meet new people, taste new tastes, immerse myself into the cultures that surround me, that I do not understand, so that I cannot simply say I tried and failed, but that I will say I did it and my least productive gift will be made into a beautiful present to share like god first intended.
Yesterday was my first day in Europe. My arrival was through the Amsterdam Airport Schiphol. Pleasant beautiful airport…better than many I have been in…my experience there was very positive having a lot of interesting interactions of all which were great including the immigration officer saying that I look fabulous, and his being yummy was not all hard to take!
As my day progressed I made myself to the hotel by way of shuttle…which is great and what a pleasant shuttle driver he was. My hotel room, not readied as my flight was forty minutes early 😉 , I decided to take a trip to the city centre. It was interesting. The bus drivers, tram operators are very pleasant to tourists, at least in my experience.
Getting to see the beautiful sites…wow, the architecture was so fantastic reader, it’s what true countries are built on…to see a place with more than 200 years going for it, beautiful, inspiration in abundance! The cobblestone street, the history I walked on! Even alone, I was not alone…Nieuwmarkt, Spui,Spiegelkwartier…history reader, history!
Progressing to my day, my mind went there, yes it went to that dark and dreary place it so often decides to go. I asked it not to, in fact I begged it to go away…but it came…as if my master of dominance that I must abide to. So, it crept in..the darkness…and as I still remained calm on the outside, for what I know, as I cannot see my own face, and I have been told every emotion can be read on it, but I completely fell apart on the inside.
The men of the town or tourists, but men, ran into me over and over again, even as I always took to the right, not trodding as fast as I normally do, and not a word of pardon, excuse me, oh I’m sorry for smashing you. It got a bit much as if I were completely and utterly invisible. After my arm started to become very sore I decided to head back to the hotel, get checked in…take a shower, perhaps a nap, but it was not as easy as that.
Not speaking the Dutch language, I became turned around and lost. Communication was so hard with a Dutch accent and poor English…the words spoken, I felt embarrassed as I didn’t understand and my mood, my cheerful self, gone, not returning that day. I still remained calm as I am a guest in their place, I have no right to breakdown in public as I might be sent away, straightaway.
I slipped into a beautifully done up Japanese restaurant for some tea and lunch. Giving myself time enough to recoup some gumption to make it back to the hotel. After paying my bill, I was directed to the city centre to where another tourist, not of Europe helped me figure out which tram to take, so that I can meet up with the correct bus to take me to my hotel.
The tram operator kept telling me what area and stop to get off at, but because his native language was Dutch, and his accent deep and heavy and my lazy ear expecting only perfect articulated English, had not even a clue the words he spoke or even what letters those words started with so that I could simply use the process of eliminating what stops to not get off at. Greater appreciation for the tourist that come to Canada is what I gained from that! With all this I swallowed that heavy pride I have of quality listening and understanding and went back to him, explained my daftness and would truly be grateful if he would be so kind as to when the stop that holds the 197 bus connection, that he simply tell me, as tears poured down my face in humiliation.
Tram drivers, bus drivers and all transit operators take heed, when someone as broken as myself asks for help and you smile and give this simple thing, it’s the biggest gift you can possibly offer and my heart appreciates it so dearly! He looked at me as if to take me with a hug to tell me it’s ok, and said he would, he said he will make sure I make it to my hotel. And he did, he kept his word, I gave him my appreciation left the tran and hopped on the next 197 that came by.
Returning to my hotel was quite the task, I felt better as I got there, but the darkness had settled and reader, you must understand, you can not simply turn on a light, you have to hold on for dear life…because my darkness is in the depths of hell and is painful and conjuring and heart wrenching and all things not pleasant. I fell to sleep twice after the unpleasant arrival of my room.
Not even a face cloth…this broke me…the lack of a small square cloth to wash my day off my face could not be found. It’s not being available crushed me. I began to weep, hard! It was the one thing I looked so forward to, and I did not receive it! The last thing I wanted was to be in theses depths, and with each pull and prod, I could not climb out.
I was hungry, I went upstairs to the forth floor restaurant and was seated, and as the restaurant was very full, by two other people that I am sure regretted my being there. It was very busy, I had to wait even for water and as I sat there, in the public eye, my tears began to fall. Silent at first and then the weeping, silent weeping, but it came on strong and hard and with a vengeance! I am sure the ordering of wine did not help. Reader, did I tell you I do not drink wine, but I think it’s because it was always crappy, but you know, I came to discover I LOVE WINE!
At this point, my order had been taking, glances from around the room glance my way, as if saying “why is this pretty lady alone and crying?” every look inquisitive. I am not loud but you can physically see that I am weeping hard. The waitress brings me another glass of wine and says , it’s on the house, why are you crying?
My dinner arrived and still I am weeping. It is very hard to eat pleasantly in front of people when you are bawling your head off! I tried to be demour, it wasn’t working, at all! A friend arrived, putting that silver lining into the dark cloud over my head…that bit of light at the end of the tunnel. Someone to bark my transgressions to! But it took a bit for the light to seep through this dark abyss.
He sat patiently listening to me hate on myself. As I am truly angry with myself, and am in search of forgiveness, it will come reader, I am waiting, but it is not easily given. I am the last person that is supposed to betray me. And I did, and I am angry and without forgiveness, hate even, if I can be so bold. Hate is a strong word, but it is truly what i feel of my betrayal.
We talked through the evening and to the close of the restaurant, then we moved our conversation to the bar, closing that out and then to the hotel lounge. Where, when it got to the point that it was clear I needed to return to my room and get some much needed rest, we parted. A new friend I have met, dear to my heart.
I slept, deep and enough. I woke with a clear mind as to what I needed to do…which was write. My darkness, faded and the light of the new day emerged. With a shower and search for breakfast, I found the perfect morning spot to create what you read here.
So reader when we go in search of ourselves, we are only looking to accept what is already there…we already know ourselves but are denying this true part of our being because we only know it unconsciously, and when our actions as profound as mine are this week, they are fiercely making their way to the forefront as if saying ‘you will accept this…so go on and do it already! ‘
So, that’s my unconscious truth…I know who I am, I’m just denying myself of it, as if I am my biggest enemy…so, I will continue however painful on this journey of ‘self discovery ‘ and perhaps in time, learn to forgive myself, and to stop denying of myself what I truly deserve!
Be kind to one another, you only have this life on earth for a short short time. I love you reader, because, I just do. Love yourself…be kind to you!