Some people I have met in my life, over a long period of time, would most likely say that they liked me, that I was pleasant enough, funny, emotional, loyal, but fickle. I think I like that. I do not think I would want to be like anyone else. I do not feel I would fit in.
I talk of change to people all the time, because it’s the one constant in my life, weird I know, change being my constant? Without it, I am miserable. For how can you grow without change? Like a new-born babe, it grows to be an adult, I too continue to grow daily, sometimes unwanted , but always, never-ending.
Most people learn social norms right away. I have to admit I didn’t. I was and probably still am, very socially awkward. At times I loud and obnoxious, just ask everyone on set. I push the boundaries all the time. I self deprecate when I am uncomfortable, to make people laugh, even if it is at me and not with me. I’d rather be in control of why they laugh rather than not knowing.
I am in the midst of a major life change. For 20 years I dedicated my life to my family. They were my every waking moment, my first and last thoughts of the day. Whether I was a good enough mother, wife and friend was always the most important of everything. I needed to give what I never received.
My children are beautiful, and I am so glad of who they are and I would not change a thing, because they are good, decent people. The are not afraid to show their weaknesses, their emotions, that wants and desires. They are not afraid to cry. They are not afraid to love, and they are not afraid to be themselves, who ever or whatever they want to be.
I gave my life to my husband, giving up all that I ever wanted. Why, I am not sure, it is not his fault, it is mine, after all, I am the only one in control of me. But I had let myself down. I forgot that little girl didn’t know how to ask to be taken care of. I forgot, that I am in charge now, not that little girl, I forgot.
I forgot to walk away when I was unloved, and unwanted and unfriended. I forgot that I am in control of my own destiny and as long as I give that power to someone else, I can not expect anything. And I did, I waited and I waited and it never came. The love, I so desperately needed in my life, never came. Because I forgot, I forgot, it was me that I was longing for, I forgot I needed to love myself. I had just simply forgot.
I woke up just over a month ago with an epiphany. What my life really was and why I need to move on, dry my wings and take the chance that I will fly.
I am still writing that book I had mentioned to my family and friends in the past a book about a girl, a girl who sought to love herself. I am that girl, and I am on my path. I thought I would share with you my apithany…that brought the change in my life. This lonely but desperately need change. It is the prologue to my book. I do hope you enjoy…
“I have decided that my life is much of a butterfly’s. My birth , as the eggs laid, my childhood through adult hood, the Caterpillars’ stage, eating up as much knowledge from good and bad experiences alike as the food that is going to transform me into the next stage of my life. The chrysalis, my 18 year marriage, changing constantly until I reach the finished product. And as I emerge a beautiful butterfly, whole in my intent and purpose, still having a few more changes to tend, as my wings are folded and wet from being new. I have to get comfortable with my new form, slowly learning how to raise my wings, drying them from the sea of chaos that I just ventured through. Everything not disappearing but tightly putting its self into a form that will no longer weigh me down. Dry to the touch. As I continue to grow, I will learn to fly, and to soar far above what I knew before, only landing once in a while in a place I might have been before to remember, to not forget and to be blessed with rising above my trodden trail. And I will, I will soar, far above…knowing that I am now still delicate as before, but headstrong, stead fast in my pace to reach where ever I choose to flutter to.
I am glad for my life changing…cause I am changing…I am ready for it. I am ready to love…to love me.”