A Bag of Potato Chips and A Pickle On the Side

Let’s face it, we all go through change.  Once in a while, that change is drastic and very dramatic.  For some, we rarely change, for others, its constant, their lives thrown through a whirlwind of chaos.

Those who know me, I have gone through a tremendous amount of change over the last 15 years.  Some of it overwhelming, some of it, exciting, but all, life altering.Some of these changes are due to very little choice left to choose from, others, given and just taken as you go.  Many of us are afraid of change, because we are comfortable where we are and can’t imagine how it would be if life was different.

There are those in this world, who’s whole entire lives are put through an upheaval due to natural disaster or even other people’s choices.  Some of the changes are due to choices we make, chances we take, because we are innately risk takers.What makes a risk taker…typically all entrepreneurs are risk takers.  Those with nothing left to lose, turn into risk takers.  Adventures and adrenaline seekers, these are all the types of people that welcome change.

I have welcomed change early on in life.  It was not how I hoped it would be…so I set out for change.  There are many significant moments in my life where change is part of what made me who I am today, and will continue to grow into who I really want to be.

Loss also creates change too and can ultimately change a person for the worst, or the better.  Sometimes it can do both.  It can be a door, or it can be bars that imprison you.   Before two years ago, it was pretty much bars, that imprisoned me.  I felt I had to be a certain way and please those around me, and that my feelings on the matter, didn’t.   Depression, anxiety and ultimately social phobia stopped me from being the person I wanted to be, knew I could be, and so desired to show to the world.  In some cases, I became a bitter reflection of what was left behind.

Those that thought they knew me, actually didn’t, but I certainly wished they had.  Secret desires hidden deep inside afraid to make the approach to surfacing on my broad spectrum of who I really am.  Each day, to this day, it is a struggle to be who I really am.  Even though logically, I am allowed to be who I am. It, through many means of delivery, was drilled into me that I need to be who everyone expects me to be.  A clone of everyone else.  If you look at me, just take a really good look, I am so unlike everyone else.  There are the obvious ways to tell, then the not so suttle.

I usually will always put you first, doesn’t even matter how cruel or mean or crass you are to me.  You go first.  It usually doesn’t even matter if you have hurt me deeply.  You will always go first.  This is the thinking that I had, and grew up with and ultimately molded my way of thinking.  To this day, I still only want you to go first.  Yes, this means YOU.  However, I have learned, and it was a really hard lesson and am still learning it, that I too matter and that I too am important and that I too deserve to go first.

Let me make this perfectly clear though… I am not self entitled like a lot of people I come across each and everyday.  I only deserve exactly what you deserve, self respect and the same respect from others that I give to others.  This my friends, is a lesson I have learned from, yes, you know what it is…change.  For me, the lesson has been life long…for some, they were raised with knowing they are entitled to have self respect, to be respected.  And we are not talking about anything other than equality of all people.  Man, woman, black, white, big, small, fat, skinny, beautiful or plain.  We all are exactly the same inside, innately.

I hear from some, ‘Gosh, you’ve changed so much’.  But have I changed, or have you just not known me.  My change is clear and its present.  My change is self respect.  Something I never, ever had before.  Because not only did I not put myself first ever, I didn’t even put myself second, or third.  I always came last.  And because I put myself last, so did everyone else. In every aspect of my life.

Lots of people are afraid of change, I certainly am! ~  Gee, I don’t know what I have in front of me next.  What my next challenge is to be, and how afraid I should be for not knowing what I am going to put myself though.  Its scary, don’t for a minute think I think otherwise.  Its down right scary.  I recently had a photo shoot done with my bike.  My friend, a brilliant Profession Photographer, she urged me to do it.  Said it will give me the confidence that I need, because it will prove something to me.  And it did.  What was I afraid of?  Well, what if I really am just plain and unforgettable.  I was afraid of the truth.  I actually still am.  I am afraid of rejection, always have been always will be.  And I figured out why.

Rejection is something I do to myself every single day of my life.  Because of the rejection of my past, I reject myself.  This is where most of my damage has been done.  So change is in order.  Why, cause change, can change the way I feel towards myself, and it can change the way you feel towards yourself.   I am slowly coming to grips with reality that I do the damage to myself.  And changing this, is the only way to stop it.

Self haters are what its called and now, I reject that!  I ask you to reject that!  Change is good, especially when that change involves your “Life List” and doing the things you truly always wanted to do, but you wouldn’t let yourself do because you were rejecting you.  So what I have to say, embrace it.  Change, do something that people that think they know you, would be totally flabbergasted by, and do what you have always wanted to do.

For me, acting and modeling.  Never had the self esteem…getting it now.  Believing in myself.  Hey, I may suck at it, but I have always, always wanted it.  I will never know if I suck at it, until I try.  Because remember, failure is not doing and not succeeding, failure is not trying at all!

Embrace change, embrace who you want to be, because who is it that is telling you you’re not!  Only you can stop you!

And a lesson I learned the other day…  I am all for Change, because you know what, I am a bag a potato chips and a pickle on the side!

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